This time...

I struggle with wanting to share my thoughts and feelings with the Internet world and the reality that I am a pretty private person.  I would like to have an Internet presence while remaining guarded about what I do share.  I could not tell you how many times I have began to write a FB status and then deleted it. It is really like shouting from the rooftops your thoughts to my 700 plus "friends."  Needless to say I keep a lot to myself. 

There aren't many people who truly know me.  Sure, I have friends.... Facebook "friends," work friends, old friends from high school/college, etc.  But there aren't very many people who know me now.  The people I mentioned previously know parts of me, in whatever situations we interact in.  It seems sad sometimes not having people to share things with, but then I am reminded that there are only a few people that have genuinely earned my trust.

I take the me against the world mentality head on and oftentimes regret the things I do decide to share with people immediately after the words come out of my mouth.  It's hard sometimes to even trust myself.

In November my little brother began his two year prison sentence.  I posted about it on FB because I felt like regardless of my wanting to be guarded about my heart broken-ness, he still deserves the support and prayers of the people who know and love him despite my reservations about sharing that with the world.  I hesitated so many times, for so many days before I finally hit "post." 

Many people's responses were "I had no idea." and how can I blame them?  It was a hard enough reality for me to say out loud because it made it real.  It's not like I wasn't aware of the legal process, it was that I was removed by thousands of miles from it.  It has made me feel helpless and alone at times.  (As most of you know, my entire immediate family resides in Hawaii.)  Instinctively as the oldest I want to protect my siblings, I want to wrap them up in metaphorical bubble wrap and have life be gentle to them.

The reality is that they are human and bound to make mistakes.  I just hoped that I could protect them from experiencing too many great pains.  I have struggled to come to terms with where this all began.  The accident was bad.  It was more than bad, but I don't know what words could convey what happened.  I feel conflicted and bound by what I can (or should) say about what happened in those early morning hours.  It is hard for me to understand (and I know that I will never) what (or who) decides who will live or die.  I don't know exactly what happened that night and I can't tell you or anyone else why Julien survived and Bryson did not.

What I do know is that I feel guilty being grateful for Julien's survival.  I feel guilty saying it, typing it or even thinking it.  It seems unfair.  It seems that it is not the right thing to say.  After the accident, everyone said "at least he is still alive."  Well, what did they say to Bryson's family... to his parents, to his sisters, to his daughter?  It seems an unfair advantage in this life.  It makes me feel guilty about being heart broken about his imprisonment, when Bryson's family will grieve for the rest of their time here.  It makes me feel guilty about being afraid for Julien and the unknown when they will never see Bryson again.

I stay guarded about my feelings because I don't know what to feel.  I don't know how to feel it and I don't know what to do about it.  People say that there is always something good that comes out of something bad, but what good is it if you feel survivor's guilt and you weren't the one who was even physically involved in the accident? 

*sigh* I have already said too much.  We'll see if this ever gets posted.  You will never truly understand unless it happens to you.  That being said... I hope it never happens to you.  "There is nothing good about this incident, a family is without a son, a child will grow up without a father and a young man is going to prison."

On Second Thought...

I am not an avid blogger.  In my head I would like to be.  I think I am witty and charming on screen.  Because I'm definitely not in real life.  But I am caught up in living these days and less writing.

I have been working some extra shifts as well as entertaining five kids the rest of the time (which is a definite job in itself).  I am in constant reevaluation of my fitness goals, but getting much closer to the body I had only dreamed I could have (especially after babies via c-sections and then just being very "whatev" about my health).  This morning I looked at myself in the mirror without any clothes on and I didn't pick my body apart.  For the first time EVER I was proud of my body and the hard work I have put in.  I almost wanted to cry (but then there was some kid outside the bathroom door wanting to come in and I had to get ready for work).

As I write this there are a mere 4 days between me and 30.  THIRTY. When did that happen?  Seriously.  I mean, I can remember the summer I turned 20 like it was just last year.  Somehow a decade has passed and I'm left wondering how time has passed me by so quickly.

A lot of things have filled the last ten years:  2 marriages, one divorce, 2 big moves, 2 babies, 2 dogs... and so on and so forth.  Even when I think about all that has happened between then and now, it feels like the blink of any eye.  It just amazes me.

I like to think I'm a blogger, but on second thought I'm just a woman who likes to write about random stuff when I feel like it.  It's here to read, I won't be offended if you don't.  Or if you don't like what I write or if you don't like me!  The advantage to getting older is being more comfortable in your own skin.  I'm okay with many of the things that fed my insecurities in my earl twenties.  I realize that I can only control myself.... my thoughts, my feelings and my actions.  It's not about what other people say or do.  It's about how I choose to react.

It has taken a long time to come to this place.  Emotionally, professionally, spiritually and physically I feel like I'm in the best shape of my life.  Besides, 30 is the new 20.  I can't wait for all the fun to begin.

In Absence

Sorry for going all MIA again.  I have these moments where I'm all gung ho about blogging and then others where I literally can't think of one subject to write anything cohesive about.  Hopefully my ideas come out in an organized manner tonight.  I apologize in advance if they do not, as my thoughts are all over the place.

So, what have I been up to lately?  I am officially employed again... after a three year hiatus I decided to return to my former work place.  Where you may ask?  MAC Cosmetics!  I am lucky to get to live my dream not once, but twice.  It has been nice to get out of the house (and away from my crazy kids) for a few hours a week and talk to grown ups.  It's amazing to be able to do what I love and to get paid for it. 

It's almost like catching up with an old friend and picking up where you left off regardless of the amount of time that has passed since you last spoke.  I am thankful for this blessing in more ways than you know.

Summer (even though it isn't officially "summer' yet) seems to elude the Pacific Northwest once again.  *sigh* I'm ready for you warm weather.  My dresses and shorts miss you.

In other parts of my life, yesterday (June 12) marked the one year anniversary of my brother's accident.  So many mixed feelings... so much I have left to accept.  My life will never be the same, for that I'm grateful.  Also for all the people: friends,family and even strangers who prayed for him and for our family THANK YOU.  From the bottom of my heart.  I have been blessed with love, loyalty and support from people I never even knew (or those who I knew, but didn't know well) before that fateful morning. 

I think about it every single day...  my heart will never forget. 

Your continued support, prayers and love are my saving grace. <3

Time...

The last month or so has been full of reflection for me... from the moment I found out about Roger's battle with cancer I keep thinking about college and the years I spent living on Oahu.  Those were some crazy, amazing times.  They seem so far away now that  I have "grown up" and moved away.  It almost seems like a different life.  Yesterday I posted an Oliver Wilde quote on my FB page: "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." and it reminds me of well, me. 

Those who have known me at different periods of my life will have very differing opinions, thoughts and judgments of me.  I was a relatively quiet good girl in high school.  If you ask my parents/grandparents what I was like back then, they will say I didn't cause them very much trouble.  College was a lot of fun.  It was pretty much a big party.  The two post collegiate years I spent on Oahu were an even bigger party...

Those who knew me then have interesting stories to tell I'm sure.  I took a year off after college.... to find myself.  That's not how its started out, but it's how it ended up.  It involved an amazing Christmas trip to New York with my best friend, a lot of nights at the bar, a divorce, meeting the best man my heart has ever known and the realization of what I wanted and didn't want for my future.  About a year after that I moved to Washington and began my life here... people from this chapter know the grown up (the real deal actual grown up...) me.

Time has made me into things that I  thought I wouldn't and couldn't become.  I'm a Mom which is definitely something I thought I would never be... I never imagined having a family because I thought I couldn't settle down.  I thought I was too selfish to put anyone before me.  I didn't want to be responsible to anyone else besides me.  I thought I couldn't be a wife for those same reasons.  Yet, love allowed me to see beyond the suffering of the past and open up my heart to being all those things and more. 

I am saint, nor sinner (although the tattoo on my arm says otherwise) when life has given me opportunities to be both. I live somewhere in between (that fun gray area that no one wants to talk about).  Time has given me more than I imagined I was capable of, but love has given me purpose.  I may not be the exact same Tari you used to know, I like to think that time has made me better.

Note To Self

I took a step back in time by logging into my myspace page and started reading my blogs.  This is from early 2008.


Do not underestimate. Do not take him for granted. Cherish Ayden's baby days. Be Grateful. Tell them you love them. Don't work too hard. Don't forget to relax. Remember it's just one day at a time. Be humble. Don't resent for reasons implausible. LOVE. No regrets. Don't forget where and what you came from. Give, but know how to receive. Remember your worth. LAUGH. Be calm. Forgive. Celebrate each day. LIVE. 

It's the simple, little things...

Let me start this by saying, I may come across as materialistic at times.  I'm not afraid to admit that I enjoy life's finer things (specifically designer handbags,diamonds and high end makeup).  And sometimes the consumerism that has been shoved down all of our throats clouds my vision.  We live in a society where bigger is better and keeping up with the Jones' is a way of life.  It's easy to get caught up in the mix.  Too easy.

These days I force myself to really think about what I already have instead of what I think I "need."  I am lucky in the reality that there has never been a time in my life where I have had to go without a true human necessity (food, clothing, shelter, etc.)  When I really think about it, my life has been full of abundance.  I was blessed with Parents and Grandparents who loved me very much and provided for me in every way possible.

When I start to think in this way, I begin to see what really is important.  I realize what is of real value in this life and it's not the "finer" things I mentioned before.  The truth is that I have always had more than enough and that is an amazing thing.

I am grateful.  Those words never seem adequate for the way my heart truly feels these days.  I'm sure it has something to do with getting *ahem* older, realizing that life is in actuality very short and having children of my own.

The change in my heart and mind to a place of gratitude came via a phone call one early June morning.  My brother's accident and the loss of his friend changed my life forever.  It makes me sad that it took something so tragic for my heart to understand, but it could have taken me to a very dark place instead.

I don't want to get too much into my religious beliefs here, but I have noticed that in times of tragedy people either lean on their God or shun him/her.  I leaned on love... and realized an appreciation for the smallest things I took for granted every day.  I used to only be consciously thankful for the big things, the obvious things.  Suddenly I was aware of the simple, little things that were of so much value but  went unnoticed.  I'm talking about the inhale and exhale, the very breath and essence of life.  I'm talking about waking up every morning with another chance to live and love again.

I am grateful for this life and everything in it... the good, the bad and the not so pretty.  I'm thankful for the struggle, the sacrifice and the pain.  Because it means I'm still alive and it makes the successes and happiness that much sweeter.  When you're thankful for what you already have, you'll always have more than enough.

For them... I am grateful.

Leaving Paradise

I was born and raised in a small rainy town on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  It's a beautiful, friendly place full of the Aloha Spirit and many familiar faces.  As a kid I always dreamed about leaving.  That's right... I wanted to leave "Paradise."  You see, I never really appreciated Hilo for what it was, or Hawaii in general for that matter.  I was lucky enough to have a Mom that loved travel and we would visit the mainland every couple of years.  Seeing the world beyond my island chain made me long for the things that Hawaii couldn't offer me.

I always thought that as soon as I graduated from high school I would move away and never look back.  I applied to colleges and universities thousands of miles from home (and one "safe" school that was just a back up, since it was still in Hawaii, but on a different island), but in the end only moved a few islands away.  Although I was disappointed, living on Oahu gave me the whole college experience without having to leave Hawaii.  I was close enough to home to be able to go back, but far enough away to live my own life.  I graduated after 4 years and decided to stay on Oahu.

A year later I fell in love with a Sailor.  A few months into our relationship he told me he was being stationed on the mainland and asked if I wanted to go with him.  My dream had always been to move far away but all of a sudden the thought of moving was terrifying.  I loved living on Oahu.  I had built my own "grown up" life there for almost 6 years.  I never really had any plans of leaving.  (Actually my "future" plans back in my early twenties only revolved around what party to go to next)

But he asked and I immediately said yes.  I was in love, my heart made the decision in a heart beat.  On May 2, 2006 I said goodbye to Hawaii and ventured out into the unknown.  We moved to Washington where we had no friends or family and began our life together.  The beginning was hard.  I was two months pregnant with my son and I missed my friends and my family far more than I ever could have imagined I would.  I looked back and remembered the thought of "moving away and never looking back" and cried.  That couldn't be farther from the truth.

Plus the culture shock of living in Hawaii for the first twenty something years of my life to living in Washington was extreme.  I had never experienced seasons, never lived so far away from my family.  There were days when I just cried, when all I wanted to do was go back home.  My Mom's frequent visits to see me made things easier and eventually we began building a life here.  We had Ayden, opened up Dermawerx (our tattoo shop) and I landed my dream job at MAC.  Wes and I started referring to Washington as the "land of opportunity."

Living thousands of miles away from home really put things into perspective for me.  It took all this distance for me to really appreciate Hilo.  My appreciation for my roots, for Hawaii and my family has never been greater.  I spent eighteen years trying to get far away from there only to grow up and try to go back as often as possible.  I am thankful for having grown up in such a beautiful place and for having the opportunity to venture beyond.  It sounds so cliche, but it's true.... "You can take the girl from the island, but not the island from the girl.  'Cause the island stays in your heart and I'll NEVER forget where I'm from."