The last month or so has been full of reflection for me... from the moment I found out about Roger's battle with cancer I keep thinking about college and the years I spent living on Oahu. Those were some crazy, amazing times. They seem so far away now that I have "grown up" and moved away. It almost seems like a different life. Yesterday I posted an Oliver Wilde quote on my FB page: "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." and it reminds me of well, me.
Those who have known me at different periods of my life will have very differing opinions, thoughts and judgments of me. I was a relatively quiet good girl in high school. If you ask my parents/grandparents what I was like back then, they will say I didn't cause them very much trouble. College was a lot of fun. It was pretty much a big party. The two post collegiate years I spent on Oahu were an even bigger party...
Those who knew me then have interesting stories to tell I'm sure. I took a year off after college.... to find myself. That's not how its started out, but it's how it ended up. It involved an amazing Christmas trip to New York with my best friend, a lot of nights at the bar, a divorce, meeting the best man my heart has ever known and the realization of what I wanted and didn't want for my future. About a year after that I moved to Washington and began my life here... people from this chapter know the grown up (the real deal actual grown up...) me.
Time has made me into things that I thought I wouldn't and couldn't become. I'm a Mom which is definitely something I thought I would never be... I never imagined having a family because I thought I couldn't settle down. I thought I was too selfish to put anyone before me. I didn't want to be responsible to anyone else besides me. I thought I couldn't be a wife for those same reasons. Yet, love allowed me to see beyond the suffering of the past and open up my heart to being all those things and more.
I am saint, nor sinner (although the tattoo on my arm says otherwise) when life has given me opportunities to be both. I live somewhere in between (that fun gray area that no one wants to talk about). Time has given me more than I imagined I was capable of, but love has given me purpose. I may not be the exact same Tari you used to know, I like to think that time has made me better.
Tari, I am moved and am very blessed to actually be able to keep in touch with you. Thank God for social networking! Roger's battle with cancer and his sudden departure took all of us by surprise and it made me realize the importance of the relationships that I choose to build or burn throughout my life. And it's amazing what we all discover about ourselves not knowing exactly how or what we would be like. I like what you said about taking time off to find yourself. I too have also gone on a sabbatical to figure out for sure what I needed and wanted in this life and it has led me down a very interesting path. People will always be judgemental regardless :) Your tats are awesome btw! Love tats, can't really get em to save my life because I have a phobia of needles. Lol. What people do or say or even think, I have figured out, is merely a reflection of who they are and think about themselves. Thank you for shariong your life and may you be continuously blessed in abundance in your journey.
ReplyDelete