Time...

The last month or so has been full of reflection for me... from the moment I found out about Roger's battle with cancer I keep thinking about college and the years I spent living on Oahu.  Those were some crazy, amazing times.  They seem so far away now that  I have "grown up" and moved away.  It almost seems like a different life.  Yesterday I posted an Oliver Wilde quote on my FB page: "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." and it reminds me of well, me. 

Those who have known me at different periods of my life will have very differing opinions, thoughts and judgments of me.  I was a relatively quiet good girl in high school.  If you ask my parents/grandparents what I was like back then, they will say I didn't cause them very much trouble.  College was a lot of fun.  It was pretty much a big party.  The two post collegiate years I spent on Oahu were an even bigger party...

Those who knew me then have interesting stories to tell I'm sure.  I took a year off after college.... to find myself.  That's not how its started out, but it's how it ended up.  It involved an amazing Christmas trip to New York with my best friend, a lot of nights at the bar, a divorce, meeting the best man my heart has ever known and the realization of what I wanted and didn't want for my future.  About a year after that I moved to Washington and began my life here... people from this chapter know the grown up (the real deal actual grown up...) me.

Time has made me into things that I  thought I wouldn't and couldn't become.  I'm a Mom which is definitely something I thought I would never be... I never imagined having a family because I thought I couldn't settle down.  I thought I was too selfish to put anyone before me.  I didn't want to be responsible to anyone else besides me.  I thought I couldn't be a wife for those same reasons.  Yet, love allowed me to see beyond the suffering of the past and open up my heart to being all those things and more. 

I am saint, nor sinner (although the tattoo on my arm says otherwise) when life has given me opportunities to be both. I live somewhere in between (that fun gray area that no one wants to talk about).  Time has given me more than I imagined I was capable of, but love has given me purpose.  I may not be the exact same Tari you used to know, I like to think that time has made me better.

Note To Self

I took a step back in time by logging into my myspace page and started reading my blogs.  This is from early 2008.


Do not underestimate. Do not take him for granted. Cherish Ayden's baby days. Be Grateful. Tell them you love them. Don't work too hard. Don't forget to relax. Remember it's just one day at a time. Be humble. Don't resent for reasons implausible. LOVE. No regrets. Don't forget where and what you came from. Give, but know how to receive. Remember your worth. LAUGH. Be calm. Forgive. Celebrate each day. LIVE. 

It's the simple, little things...

Let me start this by saying, I may come across as materialistic at times.  I'm not afraid to admit that I enjoy life's finer things (specifically designer handbags,diamonds and high end makeup).  And sometimes the consumerism that has been shoved down all of our throats clouds my vision.  We live in a society where bigger is better and keeping up with the Jones' is a way of life.  It's easy to get caught up in the mix.  Too easy.

These days I force myself to really think about what I already have instead of what I think I "need."  I am lucky in the reality that there has never been a time in my life where I have had to go without a true human necessity (food, clothing, shelter, etc.)  When I really think about it, my life has been full of abundance.  I was blessed with Parents and Grandparents who loved me very much and provided for me in every way possible.

When I start to think in this way, I begin to see what really is important.  I realize what is of real value in this life and it's not the "finer" things I mentioned before.  The truth is that I have always had more than enough and that is an amazing thing.

I am grateful.  Those words never seem adequate for the way my heart truly feels these days.  I'm sure it has something to do with getting *ahem* older, realizing that life is in actuality very short and having children of my own.

The change in my heart and mind to a place of gratitude came via a phone call one early June morning.  My brother's accident and the loss of his friend changed my life forever.  It makes me sad that it took something so tragic for my heart to understand, but it could have taken me to a very dark place instead.

I don't want to get too much into my religious beliefs here, but I have noticed that in times of tragedy people either lean on their God or shun him/her.  I leaned on love... and realized an appreciation for the smallest things I took for granted every day.  I used to only be consciously thankful for the big things, the obvious things.  Suddenly I was aware of the simple, little things that were of so much value but  went unnoticed.  I'm talking about the inhale and exhale, the very breath and essence of life.  I'm talking about waking up every morning with another chance to live and love again.

I am grateful for this life and everything in it... the good, the bad and the not so pretty.  I'm thankful for the struggle, the sacrifice and the pain.  Because it means I'm still alive and it makes the successes and happiness that much sweeter.  When you're thankful for what you already have, you'll always have more than enough.

For them... I am grateful.

Leaving Paradise

I was born and raised in a small rainy town on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  It's a beautiful, friendly place full of the Aloha Spirit and many familiar faces.  As a kid I always dreamed about leaving.  That's right... I wanted to leave "Paradise."  You see, I never really appreciated Hilo for what it was, or Hawaii in general for that matter.  I was lucky enough to have a Mom that loved travel and we would visit the mainland every couple of years.  Seeing the world beyond my island chain made me long for the things that Hawaii couldn't offer me.

I always thought that as soon as I graduated from high school I would move away and never look back.  I applied to colleges and universities thousands of miles from home (and one "safe" school that was just a back up, since it was still in Hawaii, but on a different island), but in the end only moved a few islands away.  Although I was disappointed, living on Oahu gave me the whole college experience without having to leave Hawaii.  I was close enough to home to be able to go back, but far enough away to live my own life.  I graduated after 4 years and decided to stay on Oahu.

A year later I fell in love with a Sailor.  A few months into our relationship he told me he was being stationed on the mainland and asked if I wanted to go with him.  My dream had always been to move far away but all of a sudden the thought of moving was terrifying.  I loved living on Oahu.  I had built my own "grown up" life there for almost 6 years.  I never really had any plans of leaving.  (Actually my "future" plans back in my early twenties only revolved around what party to go to next)

But he asked and I immediately said yes.  I was in love, my heart made the decision in a heart beat.  On May 2, 2006 I said goodbye to Hawaii and ventured out into the unknown.  We moved to Washington where we had no friends or family and began our life together.  The beginning was hard.  I was two months pregnant with my son and I missed my friends and my family far more than I ever could have imagined I would.  I looked back and remembered the thought of "moving away and never looking back" and cried.  That couldn't be farther from the truth.

Plus the culture shock of living in Hawaii for the first twenty something years of my life to living in Washington was extreme.  I had never experienced seasons, never lived so far away from my family.  There were days when I just cried, when all I wanted to do was go back home.  My Mom's frequent visits to see me made things easier and eventually we began building a life here.  We had Ayden, opened up Dermawerx (our tattoo shop) and I landed my dream job at MAC.  Wes and I started referring to Washington as the "land of opportunity."

Living thousands of miles away from home really put things into perspective for me.  It took all this distance for me to really appreciate Hilo.  My appreciation for my roots, for Hawaii and my family has never been greater.  I spent eighteen years trying to get far away from there only to grow up and try to go back as often as possible.  I am thankful for having grown up in such a beautiful place and for having the opportunity to venture beyond.  It sounds so cliche, but it's true.... "You can take the girl from the island, but not the island from the girl.  'Cause the island stays in your heart and I'll NEVER forget where I'm from."