I struggle with wanting to share my thoughts and feelings with the Internet world and the reality that I am a pretty private person. I would like to have an Internet presence while remaining guarded about what I do share. I could not tell you how many times I have began to write a FB status and then deleted it. It is really like shouting from the rooftops your thoughts to my 700 plus "friends." Needless to say I keep a lot to myself.
There aren't many people who truly know me. Sure, I have friends.... Facebook "friends," work friends, old friends from high school/college, etc. But there aren't very many people who know me now. The people I mentioned previously know parts of me, in whatever situations we interact in. It seems sad sometimes not having people to share things with, but then I am reminded that there are only a few people that have genuinely earned my trust.
I take the me against the world mentality head on and oftentimes regret the things I do decide to share with people immediately after the words come out of my mouth. It's hard sometimes to even trust myself.
In November my little brother began his two year prison sentence. I posted about it on FB because I felt like regardless of my wanting to be guarded about my heart broken-ness, he still deserves the support and prayers of the people who know and love him despite my reservations about sharing that with the world. I hesitated so many times, for so many days before I finally hit "post."
Many people's responses were "I had no idea." and how can I blame them? It was a hard enough reality for me to say out loud because it made it real. It's not like I wasn't aware of the legal process, it was that I was removed by thousands of miles from it. It has made me feel helpless and alone at times. (As most of you know, my entire immediate family resides in Hawaii.) Instinctively as the oldest I want to protect my siblings, I want to wrap them up in metaphorical bubble wrap and have life be gentle to them.
The reality is that they are human and bound to make mistakes. I just hoped that I could protect them from experiencing too many great pains. I have struggled to come to terms with where this all began. The accident was bad. It was more than bad, but I don't know what words could convey what happened. I feel conflicted and bound by what I can (or should) say about what happened in those early morning hours. It is hard for me to understand (and I know that I will never) what (or who) decides who will live or die. I don't know exactly what happened that night and I can't tell you or anyone else why Julien survived and Bryson did not.
What I do know is that I feel guilty being grateful for Julien's survival. I feel guilty saying it, typing it or even thinking it. It seems unfair. It seems that it is not the right thing to say. After the accident, everyone said "at least he is still alive." Well, what did they say to Bryson's family... to his parents, to his sisters, to his daughter? It seems an unfair advantage in this life. It makes me feel guilty about being heart broken about his imprisonment, when Bryson's family will grieve for the rest of their time here. It makes me feel guilty about being afraid for Julien and the unknown when they will never see Bryson again.
I stay guarded about my feelings because I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel it and I don't know what to do about it. People say that there is always something good that comes out of something bad, but what good is it if you feel survivor's guilt and you weren't the one who was even physically involved in the accident?
*sigh* I have already said too much. We'll see if this ever gets posted. You will never truly understand unless it happens to you. That being said... I hope it never happens to you. "There is nothing good about this incident, a family is without a son, a child will grow up without a father and a young man is going to prison."
